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FZE’s Other ComicsBorn on the Thirtieth of January

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Someone asks FZE if he has ever actually seen Born on the Fourth of July. He replies of course not. They ask if he's read the book of the same name. FZE retorts God no. They ask him if he knows or even cares what the story is about. FZE circles in the air with his finger and tells them nope, and neither should they. January 30, 2011. 1038 hours Greenwich Mean Time. In the Brain Dead Union HQ on Union Day 2011. The Brain Dead Union team are celebrating when a missile suddenly perforates the ceiling and gets stuck there. They all look up and FZE notes that technically that shouldn't be possible, but hey, build a better bunker. Holding a drink, Cor Angars casually asks just out of curiosity if that is going to explode. FZE says on its own, eh, when he gets done with it, you bet your ass it will. Shortly, the Brain Dead Union team convenes on the meeting room as FZE explains that it's a modified GBU-28 Bunker Buster and the detonator's defective, so it's inert for now, and there's some extra hardware inside, none of it capable of causing an explosion. FZE enumerates them as a little radio equipment, improved guidance system, but most interestingly, a solid state storage device. He turns and orders someone named Ignacio to prepare the retrieved data. A scanner floats in front of him and says hola, señor, cansado de pagar demasiado en la bomba. FZE tells it to play the fucking video. Cor Angars says he doesn't even remember how long they've had that thing and asks FZE how he figured out its name. FZE says he didn't, it responds to fucking anything, trouble is the only output he can reliably get from it is poorly translated infomercials from early morning Univision.

FZE calls the scanner Carlita and tells it to put the video from the bomb on the wall. A video in red and black tones plays on the wall, with a man with a distorted face greeting the Brain Dead Union and stating that, if they are watching this video, it means his bomb has not vaporized them all as he intended it to. The man supposes introductions would be courteous and presents himself as the great and powerful Lord Gurgletron, conquerer of worlds. He declares that all those before them who have earned his ire are now but dust, forgotten by all, rendered meaningless by his wrath. Gurgletron claims they are not the first nor shall they be the last, but as all others who oppose him, they will fade into darkness, their dying wails but whispers on the wind, drowned in the screams of his innumerable vanquished foes. Gurgletron adds one more thing, that they may have discovered some communications hardware inside the bomb. He boasts that that was to activate the platoon of robot assassins when you retrieved the data from the bomb. The Brain Dead Union look among themselves, concerned. Suddenly, the door slams open and a small robot holding two guns in three-fingered robot hands declares targets confirmed. However, it drops the guns on the ground and is immediately kicked by FZE, who then shoots it three times as the robot complains of pains and asks why it feels. FZE looks to the side and finds three more robots on the corridor, one of which waves to him. FZE calls it a neat trick and closes the door as he rushes back inside and throws two guns at the team. He tells them there's trouble and to grab something out of his big case of guns under the table. Cor Angars and Chris grab the guns FZE threw and Chris asks if he's got a big case of guns there in the lab. FZE clarifies he's got two, actually, and he never thought he'd even get to use one, but here they are. Then, the trio of killer robots slam the door open.

The three robots are faced with the side of a cow on the door and declare targeting error, urge to buy milk and Dios mio, los escorpiones han regresado. We then see it's the scanner projecting a cardboard cow to confuse them. FZE laughs and says that's good shit. The group starts firing towards the door and destroy the robots, then walks out, FZE leading the way and telling them to grab magazines and whatever they can use. FZE tells the rest they'll secure the armory next, any personnel will be trying to make their way there. As they descend, they find robots already destroyed. Downstairs, The Gobo, in heavy medieval armor and holding a sword, is standing guard surrounded by destroyed robots. FZE asks him what did he tell him about racking up a bodycount higher than his. Gobo quotes that it's only cool if he does so in defense of the armory against robot assassins, then points out it seemed like as good an opportunity as any. FZE notes that sounds oddly specific but he does recall saying that, then tells Gobo if there's nothing left to kill down there, to be a chap and meet them in the break room. At 1350 hours in the Brain Dead Union break room, FZE tells a grunt to try to work some more polymer into the weapons' diet, as they're already deploying over-capacity. Chris approaches a screen holding a remote and starts a presentation, declaring that, using data recovered from the bomb, their technicians have turned up some GPS coordinates which fall on a supposedly decommissioned hydroelectric power plant in East West Virginia. Chris says they suspect this to be Gurgletron's base of operations and they will have a small infiltration team enter the reception area of the dam, point A, posing as turists, and that team will disable external security measures and signal the Force Team to insert by helicopter at point B.

Chris explains that, from there, half of Force Team enters the main facility by route A, which will provide a distraction for the remainder of both teams to enter by route B without significant resistance. Team B will then plant a destructive device at a critical system to detonate as a failsafe should they be unable to take the facility, which should cripple the forces there long enough for Force Team to retreat and organize a tactical bombing strike. Chris adds that he's taken the liberty of adding a clip art GIF of a man in a wheelchair doing a backflip across the screen as the slides transition between each other in a halftone pattern, as he was informed in college that that sort of thing really goes over well in the business world and makes their presentation look super professional. Later that same day, at 1955 hours Greenwhich mean time or 1455 hours Eastern Standard time, in East West Virginia, a robot secretary is doing some work on a computer while a radio plays nearby. It then looks over to see Demonite sitting there holding a suitcase. Demonite cringes, but the robot goes back to its work undisturbed. A soldier is sitting on the same couch as Demonite. He looks over to him and asks what's in the briefcase. Demonite looks inside, then replies seventeen guns. The soldier says oh, then asks if he can see. Demonite gives him the suitcase. He checks inside, but comments he only sees fifteen guns in there.

Demonite replies that's odd and he must have forgotten some. Suddenly, Cor Angars slams the door open holding a handgun in each hand and shoots both the robot and the soldier in the heads. Demonite grabs a gun from the suitcase and says nope, all present and accounted for. Meanwhile, outside, the Brain Dead Union helicopter is fast approaching the dam. A soldier shouts shit, hit the deck, then he and another soldier fire at the chopper as it approaches. The chopper swings around in the air and its ramp opens. A car drives off of it, falls down on the road below and slides, then two frontal guns shoot at the soldier. It does a tailspin and shoots again towards the power plant's guard post, knocking over a truck. The force team, consisting of FZE, S-teh-A, Mark is Spiffy and some others, make their way up the barricade and into the power plant's grounds.

As the Brain Dead Union force team strike poses, Chris walks in front of them, reloads his handgun and says happy fucking Union Day, asshole. He then turns and tells FZE he's having second thoughts about his pistol there, then asks if maybe they have something in an anti-bear caliber. FZE replies probably and tells him to ask Demonite. Inside, Gurgletron is watching a security feed and asks what the living fuck are those idiots doing. Meanwhile, Chris checks Demonite's bag, saying no, no, no, then a-ha. He raises a Desert Eagle and turns, saying that now they can get down to business. However, he finds he's been left alone. Elsewhere, the team is pinned at a corridor firing at Gurgletron's troops. Hiding behind a crate, Loonafication notes that resistance is getting heavier, so they should be closing in on the control center, and hopes they get that bomb planted ASAP. Meanwhile, holding a briefcase, Mark is staring at some servers and other pieces of machinery. Raising an eyebrow, he notes that yeah, it looks pretty important. FZE, S-teh-A and Loonafication approach the nerve center of the base, where they can hear Gurgletron loudly proclaiming his devilishly clever trap. Someone then asks oh yeah, catching Gurgletron's attention. Mark is Spiffy, Demonite, Selek and Cor Angars are standing there aiming at him. Mark asks what trap would that be.

Gurgletron dramatically exclaims the Union. Then, FZe, S-teh-A and Loonafication rush in, FZE saying hold on. They strike a pose and S-teh-A proclaims also, they're there. Gurgletron casually says gotcha and asks if they need to wait for anyone else before they proceed with the epic final battle. Right on cue, the ceiling breaks and Chris falls into the room, screaming shit. He lands, sits up and says ow, bugger that hurt. Gurgletron notes that everyone's there and asks if they're ready. Chris exclaims not so fast, to which Gurgletron says God damnit. Chris points with a smile and declares that Gurgletron failed to notice their cunning insider, saying an agent of the Union, perfectly disguised, has infiltrated his inner circle. Sitting nearby is The Gobo, working at a computer whilst wearing his very distinctive golden chainmail armor. He gets up, points a sword at Gurgletron and declares have at you. Gurgletron stares, annoyed, then says okay, as long as they're being thorough, he supposes they'd like him to explain. Loonafication cuts him off to ask why'd he do it. Gurgletron stares at him with a pissed off look, then asks if he's serious. Someone replies almost never. Gurgletron then points at a nearby computer and explains he tried to kill them because the self-destruct sequence for his base of operations there can only be activated by someone born on the thirtieth of January. He notes that, needless to say, he could not allow an entire faction created on the thirtieth of January to stand. Then, a voice says self-destruct protocol activated, tenga un buen dia. Gurgletron looks shocked, while a soldier behind him says whoa, wait what.

Rubbing his head, The Gobo explains the computer sorta just asked him what his birthday was and he put in the thirtieth. He notes you don't have to be born then, it just asks you. Shocked, Gurgletron calls that impossible, stating that system has protected the world's largest porn sites for generations. Behind him, a soldier runs out screaming oh hell, hell no. The Union keeps their guns aimed at him as Gurgletron declares so be it, Brain Dead Union, but they're coming to hell with him. FZE grabs a radio and says Foxtrot Zulu to Creep, execute stage 2, put the turkey in the oven. As Gurgletron fires a massive heavy machine gun into the air and screams, his own bomb crashes in from the ceiling and stabs him in the gut, killing him immediately. Cor Angars starts to ask, just out of curiosity, if that is going to explode, but FZE cuts him off to say spectacularly. The Brain Dead Union rush out of the power plant and get into the van, The Gobo holding onto the back for dear life screaming fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. The hydroelectric power plant explodes, leaving a massive cloud of smoke as the Brain Dead Union's vehicle drives away. Cut to FZE explaining to the rest of the team that's why they need thicker ceilings. Cor Angars simply says huh. The end.

Next comic:

Awake and Sing, Ye That Dwell in Dust

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