Elite & Pwnag3Elite & Pwnag3 logo.Episode 19: The Race

Near Elite, T3h Pwnag3 and Gogi are standing next to each other in line. Near is sitting on a wheelchair and wearing a helmet, Pwnag3 is riding a bicycle and Gogi is riding a giant poison headcrab. Kazumi stands nearby with one arm behind his back. He greets the group and says they’re here today because each of them claims that they are the fastest one around their office. Kazumi declares it’s time to start the most epic awesome race in their history. He shouts get ready, set, go. Near Elite’s wheels screech as he speeds up, Pwnag3’s bike kicks up dust and Gogi screams yee-haw. They race forward, leaving Kazumi in a cloud of dust and smoke. As he coughs and sneezes, he declares and they’re off. The trio races toward the garage, where PopwarBunny is filming them, saying this footage is going to be so awesome. As he films, Near Elite suddenly rides towards him and screams Hip-hop Bunny, move. Near Elite hits the camera with his head, then grabs the wall with his arm to make the corner. Popwar cries as he kneels down saying his footage is ruined, no, no, this can’t be, it simply can’t. Behind him, Gogi and the poison headcrab are approaching. Gogi tells it easy now, Ilene, easy, then asks why it’s slowing down. Popwar swears to Near he’s gonna give him hell for this, then bends forward as he cries. Ilene stops behind Popwar and Gogi shouts why is it stopping there. Ilene stares at Popwar’s ass and makes a loving sound. Gogi tells it no, then Popwar’s expression turns to shock as the giant headcrab lies on him and thrusts him in the back. As Ilene rapes Popwar, Gogi screams at it to stop it at once, claiming this is so embarrassing and he thought it was a girl. Meanwhile, up ahead, Pwnag3 manages to overtake Near and pushes him towards a wall, then tells him see ya later, Near gay. Near thinks to himself he’s lucky he’s wearing that helmet. Pwnag3 laughs dorkily as Near tries to make it up the stairs in the wheelchair, calling out to him and saying fuck you.
Pwnag3 grins as he races in first place inside the office. Up ahead, HappyDevil asks Andres what’s up, Andres tells him not much, he’s been getting headaches mostly but he’s okay. Suddenly, Pwnag3 screams at them to get outta his way and pushes through in the middle of them, throwing Andres to the ground. Pwnag3 says weee as he enters a corridor in his bike, driving past a very confused Divided. HappyDevil asks Andres if he’s alright, Andres says at least he’s got no ribs broken. Then Near Elite drives over him in his wheelchair, causing a crushing sound. HappyDevil kneels down next to Andres, calls out his name twice and begs him to talk to him. Andres suddenly barfs money at HappyDevil’s face. Back to the race, Near realizes the passage is too thin for his wheels, then notices two fallen down office chairs making a makeshift ramp and figures it’s worth a try. He accelerates towards them and flies over the balcony, hitting people on the way. Pwnag3 pulls a wheelie as Near accelerates towards him, screaming for fuck’s sake. Near protests that he knows that wheelchairs don’t turn very properly, then wonders how he’s supposed to ever keep up with him. He then notices a fire extinguisher on the wall. A moment later, Near Elite screams he’s coming for T3h Pwnag3 and declares turbo-speed now. He sets off the fire extinguisher beneath the wheelchair like a thruster, shooting him forward at incredible speed. As he approaches the window, Near screams oh, hell. He crashes through the window and flies through the air, mumbling to himself awesome. Near Elite lands right next to T3h Pwnage. Meanwhile, Gogi looks at his watch and, calling PopwarBunny Elin, casually tells him he is terribly sorry for this and he hopes he can forgive him and his stupid pet for all this. As the headcrab pumps into Popwar, he screams his name is Elijah and no, he will not forget them for this. Gogi hears the noise of wheels at high speed, looks up and proclaims by Lenin’s dried-out glans. Near and Pwnag3 drive past them and Popwar tells them to come back there, they owe him a new asshole. Gogi shouts enough cumming and orders Ilene to follow those capitalist pigs. Popwar falls down on the floor, saying it really did hurt, and dies. Gogi catches up with Pwnag3 and Near and jumps over them.
Gogi pushes Ilene, the giant poison headcrab, to keep moving forward and through the window to the office. They jump through while T3h Pwnag3 in his bike falls behind Near Elite in a wheelchair on the stairs, cursing his speed. Meanwhile, HappyDevil is begging Andres, who’s lying on the ground, to please live, unaware that Ilene and Gogi are closing in. Gogi and the headcrab push through, shoving HappyDevil down, as Gogi shouts to keep moving forward and traitors like Mr. Red over there will be shot or at least hurt very badly. Pwnag3 and Near quickly pass Andres and HappyDevil, who are now both unconscious and look like they’re kissing each other. A moment passes, then Near and Pwnag3 go back and stare in shock and awe at Andres and HappyDevil. Gogi gallops past them and Near shouts oh fuck, I forgot the race. At the finish line, Kazumi waits with a black and white checkerboard flag, noting they should arrive any moment now. Gogi pushes Ilene forward with Near Elite and T3h Pwnag3 hot on their tail. Pwnag3 jumps towards Near and grabs his wheelchair as they all jump through the window. Pwnag3 tells Near he dropped his bike by accident so he’ll just hang there, Near retorts the fuck. Kazumi smiles as he sees them coming, as Gogi shouts victory is mine, Near retorts over my dead body and Pwnag3 tries to warn them to watch out for that something. A large explosion occurs and Garry’s Mod crashes. One reload later, Kazumi is lying on the ground, Pwnag3 is groaning and bleeding from the head after hitting a tree, Near Elite has the flag stuck up his behind and Gogi is stuck inside a wall, sighing. The narrator says and so nobody won, all of the hell they went through was for nothing… well, not for nothing. Gogi met a date inside of the wall, they’ve currently been going out for a month. T3h Pwnag3’s impact on the tree killed 4 squirrels, he considers it his best assault against his main enemy yet, he hates squirrels, loathes them. And Near Elite got to the hospital to get the flag out of his ass and he got ice cream. And Popwar… well, he got nothing, and nobody cared. The end.

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