House on St. BernardHouse on St. Bernard logo.Episode Nine. Safe Sex

Joseph, Milo and Wren are watching TV and an educational ad called Safe Sex and You comes on. A young half-Asian, half-Black girl is talking to her Asian boyfriend and telling him she really doesn't want to do it without a condom. He tells her it will be all right and just to do it. She says no, sorry, not today. The man then looks to his right and then to his left.
The Asian man rips off his girlfriend's clothes and throws her into the beg as she begs him to stop. He has a creepy smile on his face, then the ad cuts to a message saying that no condom leads to no sex, no sex leads to unhappy man, unhappy man leads to rape, rape leads to AIDS, AIDS leads to death and death leads to unhappiness, so no condom leads to unhappiness and asks for viewers to use a condom.
Joseph, Milo and Wren keep staring at the TV, then Wren asks if they are even allowed to show that stuff. Uncle Ed shows up and wishes everyone a good morning. They all stare at him because it's pitch-black evening outside. Ed explains that it's always rainbows and sunshine in his world. Joe tells Ed he missed a pretty cool commercial on safe sex, and Milo insults Ed and tells him he should have checked it out so he knows how to play safe.
Ed seems offended and tells Milo that he is the queen of safe sex practices and always uses a condom with Roger. Joseph asks if just with him or always used one with others, and Ed reiterates that he always uses a condom and, in fact, is even using one right now. Milo doesn't believe Ed and accuses him of going out and banging a bunch of guys at night. Ed exclaims never and Milo calls him cottager, then Ed runs away shouting that Milo is just jealous he has sex more than him.
Joseph tells Milo he doesn't have to be so mean and Milo tells him to shut up and insults him. A moment passes, then Wren wonders what cottager meant. Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Lisa is doing chores when Wren comes by and asks her if she has seen Ed. She tells him no, not lately, but she's never around, and asks him why he's looking for Ed. Wren explains Ed ran off earlier because of Milo and now he can't find him. Lisa feels bad for Ed and agrees to help Wren find him.
Lisa and Wren find Ed lying on his bed and scream oh my God. Overhearing them, Joseph comes to see what the fuss is about and realizes in shock that Ed is dead on the bed. Cut to black, and then to later, when a doctor is inspecting Ed's body. He tells them it's just as he suspected.
Lisa asks what the cause of death was and the doctor proclaims it was AIDS. They ask if it was AIDS in shock and he repeats that it was AIDS. The doctor then waves them goodbye and wishes them a good morning, which they find confusing because it's still evening. Lisa says poor Ed and that this is so sad, to which Joseph replies he'll throw Ed in with Mudd, no need to tell him. Suddenly, small little turtle-looking green things start coming out of Ed and spreading on the bed.
Joseph shouts holy hell and what is that, then screams at everyone to run. Wren stays behind saying holy hell is like an oxymoron, then Joseph drags him away. Every division of the house is subsequently destroyed, with Lisa, Joseph and Wren barricading in the hall, the latter two using pots as helmets. Joseph asks Wren how it looks out there and Wren tells him it's insanity. A horde of little green creatures are approaching them from Farmer John's position.
Joseph and Wren grab guns just as the little green critters leap over their barricade. Wren starts shooting at them, screaming at them to die, but they overwhelm him.
Joseph panics, screaming at the critters to die, and starts shooting. Outside, two giant versions of the little green turtle-like creatures approach the house on St. Bernard. The screen cuts to green with a message of rest in peace, Ed. End of episode 9.

2 thoughts on “Episode Nine. Safe Sex”

  2. I really wish I understood Era’s comics. But that’s what makes them funny/good.

    Reply

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