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Mythos’ Old ComicsWhat if the Combine Administrator was a feminist?

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The narrator says ah, hello, thank you for joining us. As you might have noticed by reading the title, we are going to examine a different City 17 from the one that you're used to. Have you ever imagined how the Combine-controlled Earth would be if, instead of being administrated by Doctor Breen, the head of the human affairs department was a woman? But even so, not just any woman, a feminist. Oh, you think it wouldn't be much different than the world you're used to? Well, you'll be surprised at how wrong that thought is. But you don't have to take my word for it, let's start our trip, shall we. We see the image of a smiling woman in a suit sitting at the desk of the Citadel's top office. Nearby, the elbow of Doctor Judith Mossman can also be faintly seen. The narrator introduces the woman as Doctor Gale Connors, the Administrator of the Combine businesses on Earth, and explains she likes her job, even more than Wallace Breen does in his own reality, but not because of the power it provides her, but because it grants her a way of helping her people. The narrator clarifies that by people they mean women, as Doctor Connors feels that, thanks to the status the Combine have given her, she can finally end the discrimination men always had towards them. The narrator reveals she actually ended it, in fact, she reversed it.

The narrator states that while women live happy, comfortable lives, men are oppressed and discriminated. We see a couple of women chatting happily at the City 17 plaza while a man sits nearby looking sour. The narrator explains that obviously guys didn't take it that well and started to seek ways of stopping the Combine rule, but adds that they'll talk about that later and before that, we'll see how City 17 looks like in this reality. They then suggest starting by checking the entry point, the train station. We then see the City 17 train station completely full of people. The narrator asks if you thought it was empty like your train station, then says of course not, explaining City 17 has become a popular place to live in and only the most hard-working citizens are allowed to migrate to this city. Even men work hard to live in City 17, although their reasons for migrating are not the same. The narrator points out that this is nothing and you really don't want to see what it looks like during rush hour. We then cut to a clean-looking apartment with nice furniture and a plasma TV where two female citizens are watching Doctor Connors talk about not wanting kids running around their beautiful apartments, which the two women agree with. The narrator says that the main attraction of City 17 is the charismatic administrator herself, and boy, is she effective, no wonder Civil Protection is overloaded with applications.

The narrator realizes they still haven't talked about City 17's Civil Protection and explains that, in this reality, only women can apply for a job in the Combine Overwatch. For men, the only choice for that career path is, well, becoming a stalker, but the narrator doubts you'd volunteer for that job. The narrator suggests that, believe it or not, female Civil Protection is actually even more cruel than what you're used to and, as a result, more effective, then says you don't have to take their word for it and to look around for an example. At the City 17 train station, a male citizen approaches the place where Gordon Freeman is asked to pick up a can. The narrator says this should be interesting. The female metro cop calls the citizen and tells him to pick up that can. On the floor, a can of Doctor Breen's Private Reserve of water can be seen.

The male citizen bends down to pick up a can while the female Civil Protection officer watches and the narrator comments that they guess this is common Combine tyranny, but they're sure something will pop up around the plaza. Then, the metro cop starts approaching the citizen and the narrator wonders what she's doing, then says uh-oh. The metro cop then kicks the civilian down on the ground, to which the narrator says ouch. As the female Civil Protection officer grabs her stun stick and prepares to beat down the hapless civilian, the narrator says they think you got the point already and to get going before it gets even worse, which they insist it will.

A quick glance at the trashcan near the Civil Protection officer's post reveals a bunch of cans already in it, to which the narrator comments she's been having fun, all right. The narrator then explains that Civil Protection only is so violent with males as a female citizen winks at a passing Combine scanner, and that women all around the Earth are happy but the opinion of men varies. Some go along with it pretty well, others hate it so much they even united against the Combine and Doctor Connors. Two men cheerfully holding hands are then seen strolling the plaza. The narrator introduces the one on the right as Laszlo, whom the guy on the left refers to as the brightest mind of his generation. Thanks to Doctor Connors' administrator, the narrator explains, they can be together peacefully at last and have never been happier. The narrator further adds that besides those who side with Doctor Connors, there are also those who simply live with it.

A man calls the name Jack. He's talking to another man lying lazily on the couch. He tells Jack he's been there all day and to get his ass off the couch and go do something. Jack tells him to shut up, he's trying to watch Oprah there. The man sighs and walks past him, prompting Jack to tell him to get off the way. On the television, Oprah is asking a man called Wallace if he feels like he's responsible for the Black Mesa Incident. The narrator says some are just fine with it, but obviously, most don't take it as well as Jack. Those oppositors are many, and they have joined forces to fight the Combine. City 17 is the headquarters of this covert rebellion; that is why even men work to come to this city, they wish to fight the Combine Overwatch. Spread out through the city and its outskirts, these men have been preparing for a war, which will start with the arrival of one man. The narrator suggests they observe the routine of two rebels to understand better how they operate.

Two rebels, Winston and a shaven-headed man, are standing guard at Shorepoint Base. The shaven-headed man asks Winston if he knows what he misses most from the old days. Winston asks what it is. The man replies sex, Winston says ah, of course. The man starts to fantasize aloud about the touch of a woman's body, her skin, her lips. Winston cuts him off to ask if he means sex with a woman. The man tells him well, of course, and asks what else, sex with a vortigaunt. Winston retorts no, but women ally themselves with alien enslavers, make their lives a living hell, ahd the thing he misses the most about liberty is having sex with a woman, come on. The other man laughs, Winston asks what's so funny and he replies he knew Winston was a wuss, after al, he always pretends that he's hurt during firefights, but he didn't know he was gay. Winston tells him to shut up and that he knows what he means, saying he'd prefer to have the suppression field down, a nice porn pagazine and some time just for him, than one of those whores by his side. He then calls out to Calhoun, who asks what, and asks if he'd prefer a porn magazine or one of those traitorous women. Calhoun replies he'd prefer a beer, to which Winston says alright, thanks. The other man asks what else he expected from Calhoun. Winston laughs and says yeah, then asks the man to keep that wuss story between them, he'd really appreciate it. Leon then calls out to them both, ordering them to get back to their posts, breaktime's over. The narrator says these rebels are well organized, well equipped and very motivated, but so is the Combine Overwatch, which has been victorious in all conflicts until now.

The narrator declares there is still a single spark of hope remaining and, as he starts to say the name Doctor Gordon Freeman, a radio transmission from Doctor Gale Connors to Civil Protection states that they now have direct confirmation that Gordon Freeman, one of the survivors of the incident in the supposedly equal opportunity employer Black Mesa Research Facility, has been captured by Civil Protection as he arrived in City 17. The narrator says so much for the One Free Man, the Opener of the Way. A female metro cop tells a coworker so they caught a scientist, big deal. The other metro cop says it actually is, explaining that Freeman guy eliminated a big part of the military forces sent to Black Mesa and even survived a trip through Xen. Impressed, the first metro cop says imagine if their military was all male and they had to capture him. The other laughs and says Freeman would blow up the Citadel for sure.

The narrator states that, without Doctor Freeman, the rebels will eventually lose against the universal union, and the empire of Doctor Connors will remain unchallenged. Women will remain the dominant social force on Earth, and men will probably be moved to off-world regions in the near future. Doctor Gale Connors herself will eventually be promoted to a higher rank in the Combine political hierarchy, thanks to her successes on Earth, and its resources will be assimilated to be used on more important planets, but obviously, women will move to better planets thanks to Connor's influence. The narrator concludes that our short trip through this alternate reality ends and they hope you enjoyed it, and remember, if you ever think you have extremely good reasons to confront the Combine, don't forget it could be way worse than what it is. Unless you're a woman. The end.

Next comic:

Not Another Mingebag Comic

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