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Kenny the Copin “The Conspiracy, Part I”

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The sandwich stealer is sitting on the steps of the City 17 train station plaza.

As pigeons flock in front of him, the sandwich stealer thinks to himself that he is on the bottom, all because of a single metrocop. He reasons that all he wanted was a sandwich but that one cop had to ruin his life for it. Not just any cop, he adds, but a rejected cop with yellow shoulders. He thinks to himself that it's insult to injury and that now he is all alone, with no money, no home and the only ones keeping him company are a bunch of stupid pigeons.

Then, a voice talks to the sandwich stealer in 2006 Internet slang, asking him to excuse them. The sandwich stealer looks to the pigeons, who have assembled in front of him. One of the pigeons tells him that they are not stupid. The sandwich stealer exclaims good Lord, talking pigeons. The pigeon corrects him that technically they are called mingebag pigeons. The sandwich stealer thinks of the name mingebag pigeons and tells them that would make them pidgebags.

The sandwich stealer calls the mingebag pigeons pretty cool and asks if there is anything special they can do besides talking. One of the pigeons replies that they can delete stuff with their poo and another pigeon laughs out loud that it said poo. Moments later, a metrocop is happily saying that a beating a day makes the people obey when pigeon droppings fall on his shoulder. He calls it gross then suddenly disappears with a blam. One of the pigeons says that was so cool.

A pigeon points out that its friend Phil can also breakdance and Phil the pigeon exemplifies by dancing. The sandwich stealer praises their talent and asks if they think they could help him with something. A pigeon asks with what exactly. Meanwhile, in GM Construct, Kenny points out he just got a weird shiver down his spine.

Dillan replies good, good, pointing out that at least he feels something. Kenny is currently trapped under a car next to a gigantic seesaw contraption with a heavy object on one side, clearly indicating that he accidentally threw the car at himself. Kenny asks if Dillan can't use his magical vortie powers to lift the car off him and Dillan tells him okay but to hold on while he thinks about it. Dillan reasons that the hunk of junk car probably weights about a thousand kilos.

Dillan calculates how to lift the car two feet up and ten feet over in five seconds, figuring that about 3 gigajoules should do it. He tells Kenny to just hold on and the car will be off in a jiffy, then shoots vortigaunt electricity at the car, sending it flying.

Dillan looks up and embarrassingly notes he put a decimal in the wrong place. Kenny brushes his arm and tells Dillan that's okay and that everyone makes mistakes. Dillan sarcastically asks like crushing yourself with a car and Kenny coughs in response, then asks Dillan not to mention any of it to anyone. Meanwhile, Frederick is checking the mail, tossing letters aside and calling them junk.

Frederick reads one of the envelopes, which says that it's a free fifteen minute call to the Combine sex hotline, then puts it in his pocket calling it not junk. He reads another envelope that says it's a letter from a women's rights lobbyist group and calls it a joke, then laughs at silly women and their quote-unquote individuality. He then wonders why he is getting women's rights mail anyway. Walking by and whistling, Couper casually grabs the women's rights letter from Frederick's hand.

Frederick watches as Couper leaves and stutters wow, then says he'll pretend that never happened. He looks at the last envelope and realizes in shock that it's a letter for Kenny. The letter says that it's to that dude with the yellow shoulders from anonymous with bad spelling. Frederick approaches Couper to ask about it but Couper embarrassedly stutters that if Frederick must know, the letter is for his sister. Frederick interrupts him to say not that and asks if Couper has seen Kenny.

Couper replies that Kenny is over there with Dillan and Frederick awkwardly thanks him, to which Couper also awkwardly replies any time. Frederick walks away calling the exchange awkward, then approaches Kenny, who greets him. Frederick asks where all the junk came from.

Dillan tells Frederick that they got it from some creepy bum running a junkyard and that it was mighty cheap, too, then hands Frederick the receipt if he wants to take a look. Frederick reads the receipt and exclaims one hundred thousand dollars, then asks if they call that cheap. Frederick then asks Dillan if they realize that they could have gotten that stuff for free with the spawn menu, to which Kenny replies that yeah, but that would have been the logical thing to do.

Frederick assents that he forgot that logic has nothing to do with this and Kenny tells him that now he's getting it. Frederick adds that the receipt says they bought a junk car but he doesn't see it anywhere, so where is it. Kenny and Dillan just look at each other. Meanwhile, in space, two Combine astronauts are doing a routine satellite maintenance, one noting that it's complete and to head back. The other astronaut replies roger.

Suddenly, the car that Dillan fired into space flies at them and crashes into the satellite, destroying it. One of the astronauts says that they're fucked and the other replies roger. Back in GM Construct, Dillan tells Frederick they kinda lost the car. Frederick facepalms and asks himself why he puts up with them, then hands Kenny his letter.

Kenny reads the envelope and says ooh. Dillan asks what it is. Kenny reads the letter and says it's an invitation. The letter is badly spelt and says that they humbly invite him to come to CS Italy for a garage sale and to bring money, signed, anonymous, with a post-scriptum saying this is not a trap. Kenny puts two and two together that it's a yard sale and a badly spelled letter, which can only mean one thing, then says they must make haste to the Kenny-mobile. To be continued.

Next comic:

in “The Messenger”

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