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Kenny the Copin “Pains, Gains, and Piggyback Rides”

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Couper is sitting down in a chair and staring at a blank wall in GM Construct. Frederick notices him and approaches, asking why he is just sitting there. Couper replies that he's hoping the wall will do something exciting. Frederick notes that it's a wall and doesn't do anything.

Couper replies that you never know and Frederick asks if Sesame Street isn't on right now. Couper tells him that they cancelled it and Frederick asks why. Couper explains that the actor who plays Oscar the Grouch sexually molested Snuffles and was fired. Frederick asks if that is so and Couper confirms it, adding that he came back the next day and shot everyone in the studio.

Frederick stares at Couper in shock, with Couper concluding that only Grover survived. Frederick asks what about C-SPAN, noting that Couper usually enjoys watching bureaucrats bicker. Couper points out they're all reruns and that the Combine reduced every national capital to a glass-rimmed crater.

Frederick points out how it's odd that they shattered every single governmental infrastructure in the world, but left all the television networks alone. Couper retorts that they may be soulless shells of their former selves, but they still enjoy daytime TV. Frederick replies that he supposes you would pretty much have to be a lifeless shell to enjoy that crap, to which Couper adds or a welfare recipient. Just as Frederick is about to praise Couper's comeback, Kenny comes running, screaming at them for help. Frederick asks what it is this time and whether his reflection made fun of him again.

Kenny says that, well, yes, but he killed him and that's not the problem. Kenny points and tells them that a bunch of guys with guns came and took Dillan, as two Civil Protection officers drag the vortigaunt away. Frederick asks what for and Kenny tells him they said they were rounding up rogue vortigaunts. Couper raises his arms and shouts how could they do that and that it's unbelievable and he can't stand it.

Frederick asks in surprise if Couper actually cares about that wise-cracking janitor, but Couper explains he's pissed because something exciting happened and he was facing the other Goddamn way. Kenny calls them both real jerks and says they need to get him back. Frederick asks why, pointing out that they can just make Kenny do all the cleaning, but Couper cuts him off, explaining that Kenny isn't allowed to use the cleaning equipment ever since the Luau Incident. Frederick wonders who will do the cleaning then.

Both Kenny and Couper stare wordlessly at Frederick. Frederick starts to walk, stating that they'd better get moving if they want to follow them. Kenny asks if Couper isn't coming and the latter begrudgingly gets up and walks with them, saying that he just hopes the wall doesn't do anything exciting while he's away. Frederick notes that he doesn't think there's any danger of that happening.

Suddenly, a door magically appears in the wall Couper was watching and bursts open with fire coming out of it. A cyborg with a big metallic head and rocket launchers for arms and legs walks out, declaring itself the Rocket Launcher Man and that it is there to conquer all life in the universe. It starts to order that someone bow before it, but then realizes it's all alone in GM Construct.

Rocket Launcher man shouts screw this, no one's here, then walks back into the door it came from, slams it and it once again vanishes by magic. Meanwhile, at a Combine prison facility guarded by two Civil Protection officers with emplacement guns, two other officers take Dillan inside.

Hiding behind some metal bars, Kenny, Frederick and Couper watch Dillan being taken in. Kenny states that he has a plan and Frederick asks if it involves walking up and politely asking them to give the janitor back. Kenny mumbles no, of course not. A pause, then Kenny suggests hypothetically, if that was his plan.

Frederick facepalms and calls Kenny unbelievable. Kenny asks if it's in a good or bad way and Frederick says bad, then tells him to shut up and tells them his plan, namely, Couper plants a bomb Frederick has nearby and when it goes off, they go in. Kenny cuts him off to ask how come Couper gets the bomb and he doesn't and Couper retorts that it's because he's not trusting Kenny with any sort of weapon, not since the Luau Incident.

Frederick turns and asks what the hell that Luau Incident they keep talking about is. Kenny asks Frederick if he's noticed how the bathroom smells like pineapples after Couper uses it. Couper facepalms as Frederick stares and Kenny asks him to imagine why that would be. Frederick starts to think and Couper tells him that whatever he's picturing, it was twice as bad as that.

Frederick calls it disturbing and tells them to get back to the plan, explaining that Couper plants the bomb and when it goes off, the guards will be distracted. Couper then overhears the two guards outside the compound laughing and turns his attention to them. One asks the other if he caught the season finale of Lost, to which he replies that he didn't, he stopped watching after the zombie season.

The other guard tells him too bad, as this one was killer. Frederick's explanation turns to nonsense in Couper's head as his attention focuses entirely on the guards. He picks up Frederick's bomb and casually walks towards the guards, whistling, while Frederick is distracted telling Kenny his plan.

Frederick finishes explaining his plan to Kenny and asks if it sounds good. Kenny asks what and apologizes, telling Frederick he was staring at the reflection in his eye, then notes that he never really noticed Frederick only had one eye. Frederick says damn it and orders Kenny to just sit there like the useless lump he is and wait for them. He turns to where Couper was and tells him to plant the bomb, then realizes Couper is missing.

Couper approaches the guards holding the bomb and asks if they have cable. The guards stare at each other. A minute later, Couper is tied up in a chair next to Dillan, then asks Dillan if his wall is doing anything. Outside, Frederick calls Couper a fool and states that they needed that bomb. Kenny starts to ask if they can try his plan now, but Frederick cuts him off with a no. Kenny then asks Frederick if he will give him a piggyback ride.

Frederick asks how that will get them in and Kenny replies that it's not a plan, he just really wants a piggyback ride. Frederick tells him that, first off, he's never getting a piggyback ride, and second, if he doesn't help Frederick think of a good plan, the last ride he will ever get will be in the back of a hearse. Kenny says okay, fine, and both start to think.

A wooden crate near the compound suddenly starts to walk in the direction of the guards. One of the guards spots it and tells the other they have a guy trying to sneak in, then orders him to open fire. The guard on the emplacement gun starts to fire it.

The emplacement gun's shots perforate the crate and it falls over, the man inside dead. Watching from nearby, Kenny suggests they not do what he did and Frederick agrees. Kenny asks if he thinks their plan will work better and Frederick says he hopes so, but if it doesn't, at least Frederick can escape from Kenny in hell. Kenny states that if Frederick keeps making fun of him he might not do this.

Frederick orders Kenny to just get in the box, as a crate on top of a cart is near them. Kenny asks why should he if Frederick is just going to insult him afterwards. Frederick states that there's ice cream involved and Kenny immediately gets up, saying that changes everything and to go. Later, Frederick is pushing the cart with the box towards the Civil Protection compound. A guard tells him to hold it and state his business.

Frederick declares that he is delivering that crate and the guard asks what's in it. Frederick tells him it's just something his commanding officer wanted. The guard asks if he minds if he has a look-see and Frederick retorts that he doesn't, but the guard might, because they're bees.

The guard asks why the hell the commander would want bees and Frederick tells him not to ask him and that he guesses he just likes honey. The guard states that whatever the case, he will have the package himself, standard protocol. Frederick starts to say otherwise but realizes that means no Kenny and says he would rather have the guard take it. The guard states that everything's in order and to have a nice day.

Frederick tells him he will and thanks the guard, then walks away. The guard pushes the crate inside, walking past another guard watching security screens. The second guard asks the first what he's got there.

The guard pushing the cart states that the commanding officer's bees came. The guard watching the screens states I see and the other walks away. He then says wait, what, just as Kenny starts to get out of the box. The guard wonders if he heard the other one right and if he said bees as Kenny approaches him from behind.

The guard screams whoa as Kenny pulls him. Meanwhile, Dillan and Couper are laughing. Couper tells Dillan that was a good one and Dillan thanks him, then asks if he has any good ones. Couper states that he thinks so, then makes an effort and farts loudly. The guard suddenly flies in from the glass.

Kenny stares over the broken glass and tells the guys not to worry and that he's getting them out of there. Kenny walks over the guard, who moans, then starts to untie Dillan and Couper. As he finishes, he sniffs the air and asks why it smells like pineapples in there. As Couper mumbles, Kenny states to never mind and that the guards must have heard that crash and will be there any minute. Couper says yeah, about that.

Couper asks Kenny if he realizes that there was a perfectly good door right next to the glass. Kenny asks if he's complaining and Couper notes that of all the years he's known Kenny, now is the time he has made the most sense. Dillan tells them to shimmy on outta there, but a guard walks in holding a gun and says he doesn't think that will be happening any time soon. He points the gun at Kenny and asks him if he thought a silly reject like himself could break in there and get away with it.

Kenny retorts that obviously he did, that's why he's there, then tells the guard he's not very bright. The guard replies he knows Kenny is, but what is he. Couper and Kenny stare at each other, then Couper asks if the guard seriously just say that. Dillan adds that his left nut makes better comebacks than that. The guard tells them to shut up and that it doesn't matter, he's about to kill them.

Kenny asks him why and the guard replies that he doesn't know, because he's bored, he guesses. Couper asks why doesn't he go watch their cable and the guard tells him their cable gave out last night. In shock, Couper asks if he means he got captured all for nothing. Kenny then tells Dillan to quickly use his teleportation powers to get them out of there.

Dillan tells Kenny that if he could teleport he wouldn't be in this lousy mess. The guard tells Kenny that it looks like he is all out of luck. Kenny asks why he has to kill them and that they were just trying to save their friend. The guard asks if that was all and lowers his gun, asking Kenny why he didn't just say so and telling him that all he had to do was ask politely. The guard notes that they went through all that unnecessary drama, then turns around and tells his colleague Mike to put the flesh-eating kill-bot away, they won't be needing it. Mike replies aw, man.

The guard apologizes to them for any trouble he's caused them and asks how he can make it up to them. Kenny thinks for a second. Moments later, Kenny rides out of the compound in piggyback on the guard's shoulders, calling him Shadowfax and shouting at him to show them the meaning of haste. Later, in GM Construct, Frederick is feeling pleased with himself now that he finally got rid of those three dipshits, noting to himself that now he can wallow in his misery without being interrupted by that upbeat bufoon. Couper, Dillan and Kenny then walk into GM Construct, the latter still on top of the guard, the latter on his knees now, and telling him to keep going.

Frederick shouts oh, God damn it. Kenny tells the guard it's only a little further but the guard mumbles that he can't and falls down. Kenny says he's no fun and gets up. The guard doesn't move. Dillan tells Kenny he thinks he's dead. Kenny says that's okay and Wilbur can take care of that.

Wilbur, the antlion, walks over and sniffs the body, then screeches something at Kenny. Kenny tells him it's all his and Wilbur gives out a happy screech, then drags the guard's corpse away. Kenny says that's so sweet.

Frederick approaches the rest of the gang and asks them how in the hell did they get out. Kenny tells him they asked politely. Frederick asks what in shock and Kenny tells him that's right and that he guesses his stupid plan wasn't so stupid after all. Frederick starts to talk but falls on the ground unconscious from shock.

Wilbur approaches Frederick and gives out a happy screech, but Kenny tells it he's just fainted, so Wilbur leaves with a sad screech. Couper then realizes something and asks the others if any of them brought back the bomb they had. Dillan asks what bomb and Kenny notes he would have but he didn't, seeing as he's not allowed. Couper notes that's fine and as long as it stays there, he's not gonna lose any sleep over it.

Meanwhile, back at the compound, one of the guards has placed the bomb on top of the television and notes that it looks like that VCR is broken too. He complains that first the cable goes out, then they get attacked by a bunch of rejects, and now that new VCR won't work. Another guard suggests he push some buttons at random. The guard sighs and says okay. The bomb then says device activated and the guard says there we go. The other replies that things can only get better from there. The end.

Next comic:

in “Transformation”

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